Fear Of Whales

Archive for May, 2009


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I’ve been kicked out of my church. I’m a protestant and we don’t use the word excommunication, but we do unfortunately have vindictive congregants who start malicious rumors which persuade leaders to ask other congregants not to return.

And that’s what happened…

A couple weeks ago.

For those of you following my story you will know that I was only made a member recently.

That’s true, but it’s not actually the presbytery that has kicked me out. The Presbyterian government is designed exactly such as to prevent such idiocy. But that doesn’t help people who have poured all of their investments into side ministries the way I did in the college ministry. It’s the college ministry which I’ve been asked not to disturb until further notice

So theoretically I could still go the early Sunday service, but I’m pretty sure even God doesn’t wake up that early. And I COULD go to any service I want, without anyone who would physically top me, but I would be looked on as a trouble maker and be shunned socially as one who doesn’t belong.

The rest of my spiritual life is no better. Almost all my Christian brothers and sisters at my church have turned against me. And I’m left cynical and unable to trust any community if I find I can’t trust this one

I can’t blend in to the other churches I visit. I’m an overly intellectual theologically minded ministry veteran at 22 coming to these churches as a first time visitor. They want to walk me through the sinners prayer, while I’m investigating seminaries.

And perhaps worst of all I’m hearing nothing but static on the line with God. And it’s been weeks.

So I do my best to stay faithful. I know God hears even when he doesn’t respond. I know god’s with me, even when I walk through he valley yadda yadda…

But that doesn’t mean I like it.

I think the worst thing.. is that since the church thing, not only have things not gotten better.. they’ve not gotten worse.

What’s the opposite of a plateau?

I can handle things going up and down, I’d like to think I can even handle things going as far down as this…But it’s not going down.

It’s just down, and holding steady.

I feel dead.

I know that’s not real useful. Like another blog about John 3:16 would be.

But I feel like I have to speak because my story should be told, that sometimes life isn’t sunshine and butterflies. and someone aught to be reporting from the trench even though there’s nothing really to report.

…it’s dark down here…

Written by RyanGaffney

May 11th, 2009 at 11:11 am

Posted in Uncategorized