Fear Of Whales

Archive for the ‘Zombies’ Category

Surviving the Zombie Onslaught

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If you follow the blog and have been reading along you’ll have heard all about how our behavior as Christians mimics Zombies in the sense that we both don’t mean any harm as we mindlessly attempt to assimilate people. And if you care about the church, it may be that in reading, you’ve started to become very depressed.

It’s ON now!

Life in a zombie church can be depressing for people with brains. But take heart! I have good news! Zombies have a natural enemy, so there is hope yet. And there are still some left in the church, in fact, there’s one writing this blog right now! Yes that’s right, I’m referring to the Nerds. Zombies worst nightmare.

Nerds are not often considered effective in battle. They’re paralyzing and irrational fear of girls tends take them out of the running for any valor awards you may be thinking of giving out. but against Zombies, or Raptors, a nerd is exactly what you need. We know this enemy, we know their strengths and weaknesses, we have prepared for this.

Here’s what you need to know about how to survive the onslaught of Christian zombies in your town.

1: Shoot Them in the Head

A zombie’s weakness is the head. They’re like Highlander immortals, they just keep coming unless you take out their head. Christian Zombies are no different, their will is immovable but their brains are soft and mushy. Since their illness is the result of a misunderstanding, you need to kindly, but forcefully demonstrate from scripture and experience, that thought is a good thing! But be careful, because the Christian Zombies already think they agree with you so you will have to “Double Tap“even when you think you’ve won the debate, you need to win it again. Really drive the point deep into their cranium.

2: Get to a Safe Place and Hole Up

Thinking Christians, and thinking people in general have got to stick together. As thinking becomes less and less popular outside, you need a pocket of people who are willing to be “impolite” enough to intellectually disagree with you and rationally explain why. you need practice thinking, or you might stop! In the movies, this means a mini mall, or a skyscraper you can barricade, but for us this means book clubs, and Star Wars groups. anything that will keep Zombies out.

But be careful, if somebody who’s been bitten gets back into the safe house it may become the most dangerous area of all! Similarly, if you create a group full of a bunch of the same kind of “smart” Christians all of whom think similarly you risk creating an ideal environment to foster zombie-ism where all of the humans in the room suffocate in a cloud of their own agreement. (5-Point Calvinists are especially prone to this)

3. You’ll Need Plenty of Food and Guns

As Columbus said in Zombieland “It’s a marathon not a sprint. Unless it’s a sprint, then sprint” In the church today, Now is not the time to go on a Zombie Killing spree while armed with only a baseball bat and this article. You’ll only make enemies, feel guilty, and return zombiefied in the third act to kill your former love interest. Instead you need to arm up and renew your strength. Know the truth, learn the arguments be prepared with a sawed-off single barrel shotgun of knowledge, to defend your stance against any zombies. And fill up on the Bread of Life that is available through scripture. Know the Bible and know God because as it says in Isaiah

They that wait on the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up on wings like eagles, They shall run a tractor rigged with C-4 straight through the heart of the zombie stronghold and not grow weary, they shall walk and not be faint

…or something like that…

Written by RyanGaffney

February 15th, 2011 at 4:45 pm

Life in Zombieland

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All Last Week I’ve been talking about zombies. And I wonder if some of you aren’t wondering if I’ve been a bit melodramatic. “Ryan” you might be thinking “I’m sorry you’ve run into a couple people who seem to want to eat your brains, And surely that’s a bad thing. but this problem can’t possibly be as widespread as you’re saying it is. So before I close this series tomorrow, I want to take a post, and talk about the signs and immediate results of this problem I’ve been talking about.

The anti-intellectuality  of the christian sub-culture has lead to a social hierarchy not unlike High School. When cognitive capabilities are considered a detriment, those possessing them are considered with suspicion and relegated to the bottom of the social ladder. People with other notable traits, Such as proficiency in sports or innate physical beauty are boosted to the top of the ladder, along with a considerable portion of people who are simply unremarkable, but well liked.

In other words The Jocks and the Popular kids reign over the Freaks and Geeks.

Typically this social construct reverses polarity by the end of college, and in certainty the employment sector. But in the church the pattern is mostly holding with a few exceptions.

Cameron, With “Crocoduck”

Plantinga With Books

Kirk Cameron is a sought after debater at churches who fetches a high honorarium, Alvin Plantinga is scarcely heard of.

Let me say that again: The kid from growing pains, has more influence in your church that the Evangelical Professor Emeritus Of Analytic Philosophy at Notre Dame. here are some pictures for you to compare.

Pretty people rule Christendom. Musicians, Actors, Charismatic Personalities, folks who can work a crowd. If they’re smart we’ll try not to hold it against. Scientists, Philosophers, Historians… They can come to our church anytime they want. But don’t ask us to put them up front. What are you Crazy?

This rule of the Jocks isn’t the problem of course, It’s just a symptom. Jocks are better than Zombies, Jocks are people too. But they’re being in charge helps us understand that we don’t like thinking when we can help it… And I will say this.

In a Zombie attack. Jocks are usually the first to turn. They don’t tell you when they’re bitten, and if they do survive the the third act, they’re always the ones that leave the door open. Always.

Written by RyanGaffney

February 14th, 2011 at 2:52 pm

Zombie Christians

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Johnathan Coulton sings a song about a polite Zombie. The chorus goes

All we want to do is eat your brains,
We’re not unreasonable, I mean noone’s gonna eat your eyes!
All We Want to do is eat your brains
We’re at an impasse here, Maybe we should compromise…

Something about that song reminds me of several Christians I know. They have good hearts, these Christians, they try to be polite, and kind, but at the end of the day, they want to eat your brains so you’ll be just like them.

Like Zombies, many Christians make no use of their rational faculties, and they don’t want you to either. because thinking, in their mind, is bad.

I think this phenomenon has to be related to the classic “Faith vs Reason” or “Science vs Religion” problem but it goes much deeper than that. I certainty won’t be the first or last blogger to insist that Faith is compatible with Reason, and that Science is harmonious with Christianity when both are rightly considered. But I may be the first one to point out that that fake debate has resulted in what amounts to a rampant anti-intellectualism in the modern church.

So we say things like “Science and religion are not incompatible, and besides scientists make mistakes” or “Philosophy, means ‘love of knowledge’ but I love Jesus instead” or ” Why are you trying to rationalize God? Don’t you know he is beyond our understanding that’s what faith is for, It’s better than reason”


And it’s not just science and reason anymore! It’s gotten to the point when anytime I say anything “smart” about math, history, or even theology I’m met with rolling eyes and reminded that “God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise” and that “Knowledge puffs up” Never mind that that first passage refers to the scandal of the cross, and the second, to food sacrificed to idols! Forget about the fact that there is a running Pauline narrative here that comes in the form of a logical argument. Totally ignore anything that would indicate there might possibly be a cultural backdrop to this text. We’re too busy having “faith like a child” to worry about that stuff.

The problem is that what you call faith like a child is what I call faith like a zombie.

Children aren’t stupid, they aren’t anti-intellectual, and they aren’t judgmental. They’re “uninformed” certainty. but I’m pretty sure that’s not what Jesus meant when he asked us to come to him like little children.

Written by RyanGaffney

February 9th, 2011 at 2:30 pm